Home Family & Home #11, Love Style: Secure Connector

#11, Love Style: Secure Connector


by Mark and Jan Yokers

Attachments Styles (Love Styles)

Relationships can be healthy and fulfilling when you are a secure connector. If this is your goal and you work hard, you can grow into developing healthy relationships. We believe that everyone wants that on some level. The process to get there
is truly worth the challenge of it.

The results are so wonderful and totally worth the journey. Our desire is that everyone reading this will join us! So now, let’s define that healthy love style, the “Secure Connector.”

The Secure Connector
“I am comfortable with myself and with others, able to handle conflict and negative emotions, in both giving and receiving. When I need help, I’m not afraid to ask for it.”

More about the Secure Connector
Secure Connectors are comfortable with reciprocity and balanced giving and receiving in relationships. They can describe strengths and weaknesses in themselves and others without idealizing or devaluating them. Good at self-reflection, Secure Connectors clearly and easily communicate their feelings and needs. Resolving conflict was modeled for them growing up, so they know they’re not perfect and can apologize
when wrong.

Setting boundaries and saying “no” is also no problem for a Secure Connector. They are comfortable with new situations, can take risks, and delay gratification. When upset, Secure Connectors seek help and comfort from a person rather than a

Are you a Secure Connector?
If these statements resonate with you, you might be a Secure Connector:

  • I have a wide range of emotions and express them appropriately.
  • It is easy for me to ask for help and receive help from others when I have needs.
  • I can say “no” to others even when I know it will upset them.
  • I’m adventuresome, and I know how to play and have fun.
  • I know I’m not perfect, and I give the other person room to disagree.
  • I can accept criticism and feedback and will thoughtfully consider it.
  • I am comfortable with reality and don’t minimize problems.
  • I can control the level of my reactivity, so I can stay engaged in difficult conversations.
  • I am not afraid of conflict because I have the skills to compromise, negotiate, and usually resolve conflict.
  • I can ask for a do-over and try again when I blow it with my partner.
  • I can admit when I am wrong and apologize without saying, “I am sorry, but…”
  • I have compassion for my partner in their areas of weakness because I understand the childhood wounds that contributed
    to those areas of struggle.

As you can see, the Secure Connector is secure in their own skin, yet very respectful of others. Love and respect are at the heart of being a Secure Connector. Our passion is to help you move from the love-style injuries that nearly every one of us has and move towards becoming a Secure Connector.

Using the tools for healthy communication that we learned through the “How We Love” curriculum has radically changed our marriage. We are deeply in love and having the time of our life! And we just celebrated 54 years of marriage! We invite you to stay tuned as we share more of our discoveries!

Previous articlePoet Katherine Bates was inspired by her love for America
Next articleUPDATE: Six of Seven School Board Candidates Plan to Attend Forum

Leave a Reply