Home Family & Home Marriage Marriage, the Long Haul: Attachment Styles

Marriage, the Long Haul: Attachment Styles

by Mark and Jan Yokers

Marriage is one of the most noble pursuits in life. It is worth every effort to become truly bonded with your spouse in love and understanding. We, Mark & Jan, have found great help and a true game changer in our own relationship through the “How We Love” curriculum. We’ve watched marriage after marriage being benefited and changed for the better in following its material. In the last article, we covered two of the five love styles as taught by Milan & Kay Yerkovich. Before going into the third one in this article, we wanted to introduce the authors who present themselves here.


For years, unseen forces governed the ways we loved each other, and we didn’t recognize the painful patterns we were stuck in until we revisited our first lessons in love from our families. For the first time, we understood the source of our frustrations and knew there was hope for deep and lasting change in our marriage.

Since then, we have worked towards a more secure bond with each other, developed new patterns of engaging, and rebuilt a flourishing marriage. Our prayer is that you will soon discover what we have: the relief that comes from working towards a resolution, experiencing deep understanding, and knowing comfort.

Married in 1972, Milan and Kay have four children. When they aren’t writing and speaking, they enjoy their 10 grandchildren. Milan and Kay enjoy speaking together and have co-authored two books, “How We Love” (2006 and Expanded Version, 2018) and “How We Love Our Kids” (2011).

Now let’s look at the third love style, the Vacillator.

The Vacillator

“I long for close connection in relationships, but people always let me down. I spend a lot of time in my head trying to process all the disappointments, and I wonder why relationships are so hard.”

Growing up with an unpredictable parent, vacillators’ needs aren’t a top priority. Without consistent parental affection and attention, they develop feelings of abandonment. By the time the parent feels like giving again, their child is tired of waiting and too angry to receive. As adults, vacillators search for the consistent love they never received as children. They idealize relationships, hoping to avoid any feelings of rejection or abandonment. Life isn’t ideal, so they often feel disappointed, angry, and let down.

Are you a vacillator?

If these statements resonate with you, you might be a vacillator. Take the quiz to find out!
• I feel like no one has really understood what I need.
• I experience internal conflict and a high level of emotional stress in relationships.
• At times, I find myself picking a fight, and I’m unsure why.
• I’ve always been especially sensitive and perceptive and can tell when others are pulling away from me.
• Others have said they feel like they’re walking on eggshells around me.

Knowledge is power. We encourage everyone to take the free assessment quiz to find your personal love style(s) at https://howwelove.com/love-style-quiz/. Maybe you have already identified your love style?

‘Til our next article, be encouraged! There is hope!
Previous articleMay 15 City Council Recap
Next articleBasis of Poor Academic Outcomes Explored

Leave a Reply