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Marriage: The Long Haul


by Mark and Jan Yokers

When do marriage problems start?

My wife and I experienced a life-changing shift in our marriage at the 42-year mark after using the insight and tools from Milan and Kay Yerkovich, authors of “How We Love.” Over the last 11 years, our marriage has gotten better and better! Today we are so in love and able to grow through our conflicts and challenges, rather than distancing ourselves from each other. What a gift!

The following is a recent post from Milan and Kay that explains the basis for how we do or don’t love:



Today we said goodbye to our Australian Ash tree that was here when we moved in thirty-five years ago. She was a fifty-year-old tree that stood sixty feet tall, and we loved the shelter she gave from the sun as well as her beautiful shades of green playing in the light. But her aggressive root system was invasive, ever-expanding, destructive to the concrete patio, and was headed to the foundation of our house. Beautiful above ground, but slowly destructive beneath the surface.

Many relationships are similar as the above-ground public image appears delightful, while the unseen roots are menacingly destructive to the foundation of the relationship. When two people enter a relationship, they are unaware of the subterranean root systems called Love Styles (attachment styles), and they unwittingly fall into a core pattern.

A core pattern is the reactive cycle a couple falls into when each of their attachment styles gets provoked or triggered. As the core pattern progresses, emotions and reactive behaviors escalate, and as they do, more and more damage is done to each other and the marriage. Both persons in the relationship believe the other person is to blame, and sadly, if nothing changes, divorce ensues, or an intact marriage deteriorates into an ugly state of co-existence. The core pattern is the true enemy, NOT your spouse.

Our Love Styles (attachment styles) were formed within our brains very early in our development. This is why we don’t remember the lengthy process that shaped how we feel and react within relationships. Attachment Core Pattern Therapy helps a couple understand how they were each imprinted with a different style, the way the combination reacts, and how to slow down the pattern and begin to heal toward Secure Attachment which is less reactive.

Stated simply, your marriage problems started way before you ever met one another. A marriage then can be described as two colliding histories. With little to no understanding, the couple is helpless to change. Come join us as we share the three most common core patterns and how to begin the journey of growth to escape the core pattern’s grip. Instead of trimming the branches to make things better, let’s deal with the root of the problem.” ~ Milan and Kay (Yerkovich)

To catch more meaning behind your love style and its impact on your life and relationships, please access http://www.howwelove.com. There you can take a free assessment of your love style. Jan & I will be hosting seminars in the future in Burien. There is so much hope for your marriage and your relationships.

Hope is on the way!

Mark and Jan


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